boa constrictor

Trying to get away,
Wanting to be alone
To be able to breath for once without having to think about me
You begin to relax, having space.
Yet, I always find you.

I jump into your life more than I should.
I’m always creeping up on you,
I close in on you like you are my prey
Won’t retreat until you give in

I’m sucking the friendship right out of you.
Wrapping my life around your fragile body
Begin to squeeze you like a boa constrictor,
Weird, for I fear snakes, yet I am one…
Which, in conclusion, means that I fear myself.

I’m suffocating you and I don’t know when to stop
And when I cease, it’s too late…you’re dead.
snake

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trapped

the jealous hand closes in on me on one side

while insecurity follows on the opposite.

I’m locked away in a prison of pain

and someone threw away the key.

I’m searching, searching to find it.

find the way out to freedom.

but I’m stuck.

I’m trapped.

I know He’s there, and I know He loves me,

Please help me God!

I love you…

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Just breathe

We live through the pain
The cringing sharp pain
Yet the pain will make us stronger
Better than before

Don’t lose concentration in what’s in front of you.

Make it be real.
Make it be so.

Don’t hide your emotions
Don’t close it up all in your heart.

Just let it out,
Just breathe…

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it’s all gonna be okay

Now I’m standing alone
In a crowded room
And we’re not speaking
And I’m dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it’s killing me? - The Story of Us

i want it to be the same as it was back then. the way we smiled and laughed with each other. it shouldn’t be this uncomfortable. it should be so easy. those blank stares we give each other waiting for the other to say something. the silence is loud.

this whole situation could be over so quickly, it is such a little problem. we can do this. i know we can. i just wanna it to be back to the way it was.

i love you so dearly, more than you probably know.

i’m praying for this…

<3

Oh, the pain…

When my neck is in pain, I feel the pain of everything that surrounds my mind. I don’t know why but the sharpness of the slicing pain creates a lightning storm inside my brain. It makes me remember everything in me thats hurting: the jealousy, the stress, the sadness. I just want to scream! The pain continues to boil up around the tenseness which makes me feel…bad. Every sound goes right through me. Every thud makes me cringe. I get annoyed easily. I wanna punch people in the face. My mind wants to explode!! Agh. This always happens. I’ve gotta live through it. It’s hard but I gotta. I wanna cry from the pain; sob till I can’t let out another tear.

People ask me “are you ok?”. I’ll reply no. And I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk to you honestly, but it’s not you..it’s me. I’ll talk to a few because they are the ones that understand. I just don’t want to talk to many people a lot anymore. I get tired by telling people my problems. My mind travels a lot. It’s hard for me to concentrate on what people say. And I’m sorry. So I apologise beforehand if I seem distant. I can’t take so much people right now:/ and I am sorry…

Climb the mountain.

This past sunday I took two pieces of paper and stapled them together. One was good stuff. One was bad stuff. This is what I came up with…for the positive things..I couldn’t think of many, so I had others write some in. So yeah here it is. You can add whatever to it. Doesn’t matter to me.

Red(bad)
not noticed. Unloved. I just wanna be…happy! Pain. Fear. Anguish. Hard. She doesn’t love me. Sadness. Bleed. ALONE. Easily broken. Run Away. Ugly. Distraught. Procrastinator. Worthless. Depression. 3rd wheel. Heartbroken. I don’t wanna go through the motions! Pale. So stupid. Torment. Lonely. Frustration. Temptation. This sucks. SCREAM! Can’t learn an instrument. Fragile. Skinny. Wants attention. ENVY. Second thought. Hurting. Jealousy. I just wanna cry. Scratches. With no one to hold. Can’t sing. She’ll never love me. Always 2nd. It’s not fair. Anger. I’ll always be the best friend, nothing more. WHY ME? Can’t concentrate. I just wanna be FREE!!!!

And now…Good(blue)
Unique. Intelligent. Loving family. Role model. LOVED. Strong. Good hair. Smile! Athletic. Song of Songs 2:7. Strong in Christ. Redeemed. Best friend <3. Brave. Joshua 1:9. Wanted. Isaiah 61:3. Incredible just the way you are. Hott! I GOT JESUS!!!

So basically what I'm saying with this post is that we all have crap and bad things in our lives that bring us down a lot, but we need to be able to lose sight of all the negative things that are so easy to meander into and get stuck in. Let's all try to climb the mountain of our spiritual walk (or should I say climb) in life. We don't want to be in the valley. We want to feel the rush of excitement and adrenaline you feel as you grab onto that last rock ledge to push you up to the peak!

who am i living for?

hello everyone! So last week I bought Katy Perry’s new album Teenage Dream, just because I personally like Katy as well as her music though I admit that it’s not the best type of music; so I would not really recommend it to anyone. But anyway, as I was listening through the cd, I came across a song called “Who Am I Living For” which I began to listen to over and over again. I felt like there was a deeper meaning in between the lines that kept making me relistening to it. I felt like it has something to do with Katy’s faith and how she feels about things and she asks if she is really living the life she should be living. As I began to understand more and more about the song, it hit me that I need to share this song with others; so that they can express their opinions and ideas about what they thinking Katy is singing about. So that isexactly what I did! I messaged several of my friends on facebook about my whole plan and to see if they would write me their opinions! Thankfully eight of them did:) So now right below here are those 8 entries that my good friends have written carefully and truthfully on how they view this song! God had laid Katy Perry on my heart for a while now and I just feel like this song could be something that could be turning her life for the better. thank you and please enjoy reading and please comment if you have any questions or remarks:)

-joshua

(if you would like to send in your own opinion about the song, please just email me at almostactor@aim.com)

(also note: i did not change anything from what they wrote, these are all their own words and grammar, and due to security reason, I am not putting their full last name)

Nick C. – I think what she is singing about is, that she’s finally realized where she’s going in life. And she still feels Satan calling her name, and that’s not where she wants to go. And she just needs help. And it sounds to me like she is seeking God a little bit more, because she used Esther and what she went through in the bible. So i think that’s a step for her. But over all i think she’s just crying out for help in who she should live for. So yeah, there’s my thoughts (:

Megan - So i think she has or is realizing the differences in her life and some people that she knows and wondering the point of everything…. she has felt called to live for more and yet she is struggling to know how… She has a lot of good points in this song… yet i still dont know what to make of it…. if she was an artist who has not written all the other songs with the cuss words and lyrics that she has i would have assumed her to be a “Christian” artist…. so maybe she has changed her life or maybe she is just trying to appease more people with different types of music… thats my opinion… if it makes any sense…..

Shelby L. – Okay i just listened to this song and i agree with you. Absoutely. feel like she is saying that she is hearing a voice inside her soul saying come to me. being god. but she knows that from where she is right now its not going to be easy to get to where she needs to be with god its going to take a lot of strength and determination. and when she says i can see the heavens but i still hear the tides i feel like she is referin to hell as the tides that she is hearing. and than i just feel that she can see signs of god every where but she is still confused as to who she is living for. that’s what i get out of the lyrics. its a very good song. And she puts it in a very interesting way of looking at things (note: she meant “flames” not “tides”)

Jake B. – So, before I get into it, I just thought that I would tell you what I got out of each part of the song. In the first paragraph, she states that “there’s a phoenix in side of her” and that she’s ” marching to a different beat.” I believe- and I think it’s pretty obvious where she’s going with this- that she talking about not marching to the “beats” of the world, but that she’s marching for God.also, I believe that the “phoenix” is supposed to represent God. I could be wrong, though.

Next paragraph! Now she goes onto to say that she’s “ready for the road less traveled.” Evidently, she’s talking about her walk with God. It’s SO easy to just be apart of the world; to conform to its patterns. But she’s taking a step back from it all… then she states that “this is her cross to bear.” And, after all, isn’t this way for every christian?

Paragraph 3!“It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called,
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.”
She’s saying that it’s hard work- our walk with Jesus. Especially when we’re the ones on the front lines; the ones fighting the battle. And then she says that ” she can see the eavens, but she still hear the flames.” I believe that she’s talking about being tempted. Slipping in her faith so to speak. As so many of us do…

(for more of Jake’s message please click here I promise you won’t regret it!)

Hannah Z. – well it definately sounds like she is talking about spiritual things,but it also sounds like me just a while ago,knowing you can’t ignore the war any longer,meaning you either throw urself to satan or run to god…it could go either way…maybe we should pray for her(..?) luv the song though :)

Annie A. – well. i feel that song has heavy christian allusions. However, if you keep in mind there are many religions that believe in a heaven, that pray, etc, she could be referring to any faith that is popular now, or that she has chosen.
It does sound, to me, like she may have had some sort of wake up call, to remind her not only she is living for herself, but also there is a world of people looking up to her and watching her every move. It has potential to be both uplifting and encouraging in that she seems to be examining her life, knowing she has greatness, she is under pressure, and any word from her mouth could potentially shock the world. It appears that she has realized she can’t abuse this ‘greatness’, that she should not be living for herself but for God.
However, although I haven’t heard the whole albulm, Teenage Dream is played on the radio like all the time. and that is all about having sex/’giving it up’ and being someones ‘teenage dream’. I feel this is a mixed message to be sending.
Therefore, I think her heart may be headed in the right direction, but she could be simply saying she should be living for others, because she does have an important place in society, our culture views her as a celebrity and watches her every move, so she should be living in a way that inspires good and change in others. As I said, there are references to Christianity, but I don’t think that necessarily means she is turning her life over to God.
I do absolutely love the line: “I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling out my name.”
Kind of our daily struggle, huh?

Shelby U. – I feel that Katy Perry wrote this song to show how hard it has been for her to be called a follower of God. I think it is because the world has always called out her name with their temting, but short term love, and it will never stop. She says, “I can see the heavens but i still hear the flames calling out my name.” But at the end of it all, who was she living for? The world or GOD?

“I am ready to take the road less traveled, Suiting up for my crowning battle, this test is my own cross to bare, but i will get there.” I also feel her trying to say in these lyrics, that as she was growing up in her past, she always wanted to be different from the world and from the Christians that were just in it for the good feelings and rules. She knows that being different from this world will cause battle, and be a big cross for her to bare, but she knows with God she will get to the point where she knows that she has made a difference with her life.

The title of this song who am i living for….i believe in the end…after all of this life…she wants to know who she is really living for. Is it for her parents, popularity, possessions, or GOD? I know in the end i want to really know that i spent this life and everything i did in it…for GOD. Not for anyone else, not even myself.

Hannah D. – First of all, I want to let you know that I wasn’t expecting the song to be as powerful as it is. Hearing that song was just what I needed, so that’s really cool. I like writing huge eight page testimonies all the time, so I’m sorry if this is a little long. I’ll try to keep from rambling, but I just get really excited about God’s work in our lives.

I can definately see that Katy Perry has been called out by God and she wants to follow him. He obviously shook her up and she’s starting to realize that she’s been spending her life trying to please everyone but God.
She gets the whole spiritual warfare idea, probably because of her dad being a pastor and all. She knows there is a huge war raging on and she is trying to stand strong in the name of her redeemer, but she knows it could cost her her credit and fame.
It starts out saying she can feel a pheonix in her as she marches aone to a different beat. That is something almost all Christians feel. When we are about to take the daring step towards standing up for God, we think about everything that could possibly go wrong. Fortunately, it sounds like Katy faith in God that he’ll handle the problem. (after all, as it says in a verse that I forgot, this isn’t out battle, it’s God’s and He will take care of it.) She swallowed down her fear and took the first steps towards coming back to Jesus with the whole secular world watching her every move.

(for more of Hannah’s message please click here. I promise you won’t regret it!)

again thank you for reading all these wonderful people’s opinions! Please give me feedback for I am planning on sending these to Katy Perry herself soon!

please pray for her.

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Jake’s full message :)

Jake B. - Okay, I just listened to the song and here are my thoughts:

So, before I get into it, I just thought that I would tell you what I got out of each part of the song. In the first paragraph, she states that “there’s a phoenix in side of her” and that she’s ” marching to a different beat.” I believe- and I think it’s pretty obvious where she’s going with this- that she talking about not marching to the “beats” of the world, but that she’s marching for God.also, I believe that the “phoenix” is supposed to represent God. I could be wrong, though.

Next paragraph! Now she goes onto to say that she’s “ready for the road less traveled.” Evidently, she’s talking about her walk with God. It’s SO easy to just be apart of the world; to conform to its patterns. But she’s taking a step back from it all… then she states that “this is her cross to bear.” And, after all, isn’t this way for every christian?

Paragraph 3!”It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called,
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.” She’s saying that it’s hard work- our walk with Jesus. Especially when we’re the ones on the front lines; the ones fighting the battle. And then she says that ” she can see the eavens, but she still hear the flames.” I believe that she’s talking about being tempted. Slipping in her faith so to speak. As so many of us do…

four! Not too much goes on here. She just states that it’s a war that can’t be ignored. and after all, it certainly isn’t one that can. It’s one of the most important things we’ll do in our lives. It’s our job as Christians. God needs us to fight for him. To win as many people over to him as possible.

Five! Out of the entire song, these lines she sings are probably my favorite. She states that she has a ” lightness inside of her, it’s growing fast like lightning, and that one spark can shock the world.” These lines are sooo powerful. She talking about Jesus- the light inside her- and how with even the smallest amount of faith ( one spark) we can shock the ENTIRE world. Not just our schools, our towns, our states or even or country. But if you choose to beleive in Him, you’ll be able to do works that are great enough to change and affect the entire world.

6! The first part of this I’m not too farmiliar with. She prays for favour like Esther. I’m not too sure of the story of her, but I beleive that she’s just asking God for help. She’s stated multiple times how hard this war can be. She needs jesus, through and through, to help her and guide her. Without him, we’d just be so lost. And then she says there will be sacrifice. Which there is a lot of. A lot of times, people will lose their friends, familys and other people they love for Jesus. Maybe she had a personal account of this in her life?

7! This is one of the last full paragraphs in the song. But in it, she re-sings some lines. She talks about the bombs falling again and how she can still hear the flames- or satan/ the world- calling out her name. I believe she does this once again to show just how hard this walk has been/is for her.

Last part of the song. In the last parts of the song, she keeps repeating some lines. She just asks over and over again, ” who am I living for?” She’s telling the world that her faith is in Jesus. She’s not backing down from this fight. She knows just how hard it will be, but she’s ready for it. She’s in it for God.

So, as a whole, I think that this song may be a personal anthem of sorts for her. She just wants the world to know that she still has faith. And it’s weird to say, but I’m proud of her for doing this. It’s a great song with and amazing message.

Hannah’s full message:)

Hannah D. – First of all, I want to let you know that I wasn’t expecting the song to be as powerful as it is. Hearing that song was just what I needed, so that’s really cool. I like writing huge eight page testimonies all the time, so I’m sorry if this is a little long. I’ll try to keep from rambling, but I just get really excited about God’s work in our lives.
I can definately see that Katy Perry has been called out by God and she wants to follow him. He obviously shook her up and she’s starting to realize that she’s been spending her life trying to please everyone but God.
She gets the whole spiritual warfare idea, probably because of her dad being a pastor and all. She knows there is a huge war raging on and she is trying to stand strong in the name of her redeemer, but she knows it could cost her her credit and fame.
It starts out saying she can feel a pheonix in her as she marches aone to a different beat. That is something almost all Christians feel. When we are about to take the daring step towards standing up for God, we think about everything that could possibly go wrong. Fortunately, it sounds like Katy faith in God that he’ll handle the problem. (after all, as it says in a verse that I forgot, this isn’t out battle, it’s God’s and He will take care of it.) She swallowed down her fear and took the first steps towards coming back to Jesus with the whole secular world watching her every move.
She says she is ready for the road less traveled and stuiting up for her crowning battle. That is something we all need to be prepared for everyday, which is really hard sometimes. She is, obviously, prepared to leave the life she’d been living in the spotlight and change into what God made her to be. She’s ready to fight, but she’s scared. This is easily related to, because everyday so many people are watching us and we want to please them. We can’t please them and God at the same time, so we have to pick one or the other. Unfortuanately, it’s so much easier to take the safer path of following the crowd and going along with them than to walk the path that God has laid out for us. And even then, it’s hard to stay on track with influences from the wrong path everywhere we turn.
The only thing in the song that I don’t totally agree with is the part where she says “This test is my own cross to bare, but I will get there.” Okay, she makes and extremely good point about picking up the cross and stumbling down the road as a test, but she says it’s her own cross to bare, which isn’t true. In the word, it says to pick up our cross everyday, but it also says God will be there every step of the way, helping to bare the weight of our tests. She says “but I will get there” like it’s her own battle and she is being forced to do it by herself, and she’s not acknowledging that Jesus will be the one dragging her through and giving her the strength to move on.
My second favorite part of the song is when she says “It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called, standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.” As you know, we were chosen to be God’s child long before he even created the world. He intended for us to live a life set apart for Him and to let His passion in us bring Him fame. Katy knows she has the fame she would need to cause people to recognize Him and she knows she could give Him the fame, which is why she is struggling. She can see the heavens. She knows what she needs to do, and she knows she needs to make a revolution in her life and be fixed towards God. Satan, the liar and murderer, doesn’t want that, though. Satan had her right where he wanted her- caught up in the fame and ‘preaching’ about ungodly things while suffering from her unfulfilling life. Now that she’s heading towards God, Satan is going to do anything he can to bring her back to his side. The flames of hell are still calling out her name, unwilling to give up. They would love nothing more than for Katy to come back to where they had her- helpless and next to destroyed. Honestly, I think the best thing for her right now would be some heavy praying in the Spirit. She has tons of demons surrounding her and she needs someone with the Spirit of God to rebuke them. Maybe she has rebuked them herself or maybe someone around her has, but you can never know for sure. I suggest that everyone verbally rebukes Satan, even though we are physically no where near Katy Perry right now. The Spirit of God is so much more powerful than any spirit that is surrounding Katy, and since we have God’s Spirit with us, we have authority over Katy’s demons. Just a thought.
My favorite part of the song was “I can see the writing on the wall, I can’t ignore this war.” I couldn’t resist looking it up in the Word. “The Writing on the Wall” originates from Daniel 5, and I see a huge parallel to Katy’s life in the story. The story begins with King Belshizzar, who is throwing a huge feast with 1,000 guests, celebrating his fame and riches, drinking out of the silver and gold goblets that his dad had stolen from God’s Temple of Jerusliham and got drunk and praised their gods of gold and silver and wood. Katy is like the king, with tons of admirers and fans and riches and fame. She’s so comfortable in it and she was seemingly content with it. She worships material gods such as clothes, albums, and everything that comes along with being a major star. Then comes the writing on the wall.
“At that very moment, the fingers of a human hand appeared and began writing on the lamp-illumined, whitewashed wall of the palace. When the king saw the disembodied hand writing away, he went white as a ghost, scared out of his wits. His legs went limp and his knees knocked.” -Daniel 5:5-6. God has spoken to Katy and scared her out of her wits, which I can DEFINATELY relate to myself. All of a sudden, the material gods didn’t matter so much anymore. “He yelled out for the enchanters, the fortunetellers, and the diviners to come. He told these Babylonian magi, ‘Anyone who can read this writing on the wall and tell me what it means will be famous and rich—purple robe, the great gold chain—and be third-in-command in the kingdom.’” -Daniel 5:7.
The king was willing to give up riches and hand out authority to anyone who could help him with the message from God, signifying that he lost interest in the material world when he got a glimpse of the real world- the one with God and Satan and disembodied hands that write on walls. Katy, according to what she’s saying in the song, (even though it’s a little in between the lines), is willing to give up her worldly desires for the sake of pursuing God’s message.
The story goes on and everyone is scared, and the king’s wife brings up someone who could help- a Holy Spirit filled man named Daniel. Daniel interepted the message, which I want you to look up. It’s Daniel 5:18-28, which is what I think was more or less what God convicted Katy of, particularly verses 21 and 27.
After the writing on the wall, Katy says she cannot ignore the war that God predicted in her life. The war for her is already raging and by her writing this song, she’d already made a huge advance on God’s side. I think God has so much in store for her. God’s going to use her to to do great things for Him, if she obeys and Satan doesn’t get a hold of her. She knows she needs to live for God and not her fans.
She feels the light inside of her, growing fast into a bolt of lightning. God is growing in her. Her hearts beating for him and his presense is taking over and she knows it’ll only take on spark from God through her to shock the world. If Katy makes a public stand for Christ, since she’s so famous, it would indeed shock the world. Some people would stop listening to her, and other’s would start checking into this whole God thing. God wants to use her fame and give her a passion for Him so God can work his way into Katy’s fans minds and hearts and lives.
“So I pray for favor like Esther, I need Your strength to handle the pressure. I know there will be sacrifice, but that’s the price.” This is definately good news. Katy has called out to God. She asked God for the strength to handle the pressure that she’s under. I’m sure you know Esther’s story, how she used her position as queen to tell the king about all of the Jews getting killed, even though she could lose her life. This bible story also has a lot of parallels to Katy. Esther cried out to God to give her the strength to be able to take a stand for God and her people. Katy is praying for God’s favor so that when she takes her stand for God, she’ll have His blessing and she won’t be scared because she will know that God has it all planned out and taken care of. She will be making a huge sacrifice of a lot of worldly things, but it’s the price she has to pay in order for her to live God’s will and have an intimate relationship with Him. I’m so glad she’s willing to pay it! I could really learn a lot from her. The part of the song that I had to do the most thinking about was the part that says “Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Don’t let the greatness get you down.” I did some thinking about that and this is what I got from it: This is almost like an encouragement from God to Katy or whoever is seeking God. When you become God’s child, you wear the crown. It can almost seem like a burden to be a follower of Christ sometimes. (Matthew 8:20 reads Jesus was curt: “Are you ready to rough it? We’re not staying in the best inns, you know.’”. That was Jesus’ answer when a scholar said he wanted to give up everything and follow Jesus. Basically Jesus was saying “Are you sure you want to follow me? It won’t be easy, by any means.”.) Heavy is the head that wears the crown. It’s sometimes so hard being all for Jesus. Don’t let the greatness get you down. Let God help you with the trials you’ll be put through as His child. Don’t think you have to do it all on your own. God will help bear the weight of your cross- and your crown. And it will be so worth it when you let go of all of your earthly desires and materials. God will pull you all the way through, and you’ll be glad you trusted him when you look back and see what your life would have been like if God didn’t redeem you. This isn’t your battle- it’s God’s. Just make sure God gets the glory when you’ve made it through amazing tests.
So, that is what the Spirit said to me through the song, basically. There’s a lot more things like spiritual warfare and Esther and the prodical son and the pheonix and Satan falling to the ground like a flash of lightening that I could go on and on about forEVER, but I think this is good for now, hehe. Katy gave such an amazing message that we can apply to our lives everyday. She needs prayer, though, which I’m sure you’ve been doing a lot of praying for her. Her heavenly father is bringing her back, like the prodical son. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into a whole sermon about that, but I just think it’s an interesting point.
I hope this wasn’t all completely confusing, because I’m a writer and sometimes I go off writing about things that no one seems to understand but myself. If you have any questions about anything because I didn’t describe it good enough or if it just doesn’t make any sense at all, or if you just want me to go into all of this a little more, go ahead and ask me and I’ll try to help you out in understanding my confusing mind, haha. I hope this was helpful and I know God has great things in store for Katy.

Your love, Your glory

Your Love, Your Glory- Joshua Atkin

(verse)

Through the darkness of the night

through the brokenness inside

all the lonelies of the nations

calling out Your name

Through the pain and suffering

through the hate overpowering

all the lonelies of the earth

just wanna hear You God!

(bridge)

So God, You hear them.

And God, You lead them!

(chorus)

You rise above the midnight sky

You appear to those who need the high

of Your love, Your glory.

It showers down like a shooting star

the earth is full of Your love afar!

Darkness is gone! The lights are on!

And it’s all because of You!

a little background of this song: now this song came about during a songwriting workshop with Jake Hamilton at Jesus Culture: Atlanta this past July. It is derived from the verse Isaiah 60:2 which is “Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth, but the glory of the LORD rises and appears over you.” (NLV) It’s a verse that one of my dear good friends brought upon me and with the help of that verse and God’s hand on my hand, I ended up with this song. Now I am very upset for I cannot remember how I sang it, which bothers me so. It’s not your typical verse-chorus-verse type of song.  There is no pattern or anything, and that’s what I like about it! So just read these lyrics and I hope you can feel the verse poured out over them. enjoy:)

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